Un-homed: Exciting New Career Opportunities

Joe Bright

So I got this advertisement in the mail at work: “Learn the Secrets of the Criminal Mind.” It was from an online university addressed to me, and I found it highly amusing/perplexing on several levels.

First off, how did they know that I’ve had any questioning doubts in my mind whether I need to change directions? It’s like an unexpected serendipity; a fresh idea. Or maybe it’s just psychic ability on their part. That would be some heavy marketing ability if true.

Second, how did they know where to find me? It’s like an un-homed dream come true… someone out there knows where I am! Of course it might also be due to my name being attached to the business address, but still a person can dream, right?

Thirdly, and most importantly, what exactly are they trying to sell me? I assume that an exciting career in criminal psychology is the core intent. However, when I truly look through it there can be another reading. They can teach me to be a criminal mastermind! Lex Luthor here I come!

With this kind of online training it’s not small time for me. I won’t fall into the trap of some who resort to simple shop-lifting to make a subsistence living. Nor will I fall into a cycle of predictable behavior that the authorities can easily track (which I have learned includes hitting the same large retailer over and over… store names withheld to protect potential future crime sprees that I may unleash after graduation).

Ok, so the more I think about it, maybe I should throw this ad out. Desperation can be a tricky thing. And I’m pretty sure the people coming through the acupuncture clinic might start questioning all the new merchandise, the cars, and the expensive jewelry. No, I suppose I better stick to what I know. Some secrets are best left to the mysteries that they are.

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